Husbando Hostilities

White Day, not to be confused with a Ku Klux Klan event, is a holiday in Japan. Girls would give chocolates to boys on Valentine’s Day (February 14) and the boys, in turn, are socially obligated to return the favor by giving gifts on White Day (March 14). What kind of gift, we do not know; but we’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going.

As a follow-up to the Waifu Wars article we did for Valentine’s, we give you: Husbando Hostilities!

 

Lebanese band Mashrou’ Leila, Abdul’s Husbando

The official story is Mashrou’ Leila originated as a response to political unrest in Lebanon in 2008. The truth is, they have existed since the beginning of time as beings of pure energy, torpedoed into the present to rule over humanity’s perpetual sexual frustration. As avatars of bliss, these handsome dreamboats sit on thrones of kisses, sighs, and whispered intentions, flexing their biceps while playing drums and guitars.

In all seriousness, Mashrou’ Leila plays intelligent alternative music that criticizes, comments on, and subverts accepted norms of contemporary arab society (Im-Bim-Billilah, Imm El Jacket) and politics (Obwa, Raksit Leila, Maghawir). One of their anthems, Wa Nueid, famously calls for the listener to continue in their resistance despite everything the world throws at them.

They are also interested in the deeply personal. Shim el Yasmine goes: “I would have liked to… introduce you to my parents, have you crown my heart.” Almost inconspicuous lyrics, until one factors that the lead singer is openly gay, and some of the songs are deliberately written with a homosexual bent – revolutionary words in a largely heteronormative region. They sing life to desires restricted by a flawed system, as in Kalaam (“They wrote the country’s borders, upon your body, upon mine”), and to desires that take succor at night, as in Ma Tetrikini Heik (“Don’t leave me like this, searching for you at the bottom of each empty glass, between other people’s sheets”).

It is this artistic interest in the space sharing the personal and the political where they thrive, and it is also why they are better than your husbando.

P.S. Your husbandos have only two biceps. Mashrou’ Leila has ten biceps! Ten! That’s eight more than your husbando. Mashrou’ Leila also has five heads – ten if you’re nasty. The sheer number boggles the mind. Despair, tear your hair, submit to this empirical, numerical defeat.

 

Takeshi Kaneshiro, Pam’s Husbando

There are guys who make you go “damn, he’s cute”, and there are guys who make you stop and think “omg that’s a beautiful man, how is he real”, and there are guys who, on top of all the dropping panties and exploding ovaries of us women folk, make other guys say “dude, no homo, but fuck, he’s hot”. Obviously, Takeshi Kaneshiro – aka, “Aniki” (yeah, that’s what his Japanese fanbase calls him) – falls in the second category. How do I know? Because I had to stake my claim on him for this article against some of WAG’s guys.

(I love you, Abdul. I love you, Khan.)

English-speaking audiences best know Kaneshiro-san for his role as Jin in House of Flying Daggers (2004), but avid followers of East Asian music and film have known about him since 1992. He’s a 42-year-old multilingual singer, model and actor who’s been the darling of Sundance, Hong Kong film, and Japanese TV/drama whose infuriatingly handsome face continues to haunt the dreams of his fans through commercials and print ads to this day, possessed of the amazing ability to look hot regardless of age, hairstyle, scruff (or lack thereof), expression, or choice of dress.

Notably, beyond Kaneshiro-san’s noted aversion towards being in the spotlight, the main reason why we haven’t seen enough of him is because he avoids Hollywood. In a 2009 CNN talk Asia interview on how things are “changing” in international cinema, Kaneshiro basically proclaimed his love for Hollywood, but had some very sharp words on the matter.

“Maybe the way they think ‘Asian’… it’s very narrow. The space is very small. …We wouldn’t have many different kinds of characters or backgrounds in the role.”

He even threw some Politeness Judo-esque shade about the casting of Memoirs of a Geisha (2009), which WAS an issue that not enough people talked about.

Yes, his brain is as sexy as his body. And his voice.

If all of that isn’t enough to get your attention, Takeshi Kaneshiro also holds the distinction for being Emporio Armani’s first Asian model, which should serve as a reasonable explanation behind why he has so many yummy shots in suits. He’s done voice acting roles for the Japanese/Chinese localizations of Western films (like Disney’s Tarzan back in the day), and he was the face cast for Samanosuke in the original Onimusha games on top of being an avid gamer.  He’s still a common face in East Asian film, so you may wish to consider throwing more love and support at translators in order to watch him turn everything he touches into gold.

TL;DR Takeshi Kaneshiro is a brilliant, multi-talented beautiful man, don’t talk to me about him unless you want to be here all day.

 

Brock O’Hurn, Anna’s Husbando

I don’t normally have a crush on someone, like psshh I had a crush on Leonardo Dicaprio since I was 10 (and I still do, hehe) but just recently someone made my kokoro doki-doki again. Being dubbed as the King of Man Buns himself, Brock O’ Hurn isn’t just a hell of a fine head of hair, but he really does have the BUNS (this alone would kick your husbando’s ass! If he has any! ha!)

Okay, so! Aside from being captivating, it’s either he is gracing the world with his often shirtless chest, or he’s wandering around in a perfectly messy topknot. I meanm come on! Isn’t that dashing enough? Who wouldn’t melt to this hulking mass of man with a glorious beard and a flowing golden-brown hair that would make your down-down cry. Not to mention his killer stare whenever he tie up his hair or or or when he sips his morning coffee! (Freshly brewed coffee + shirtless husbando in the morning? Are you kidding? What more can you ask for? )

Buns on the side, this 23-year-old humble beast is more than just being gorgeous. Brock is a model, jewelry line owner, and a personal trainer. He was first discovered for posting a 25 second  clip video on his Facebook page that reached millions of views since. The clip shows Brock gathering his fab hair up and putting it into a messy bun and leans into the camera AND OH MY GOD DID YOU SEE THAT HALF SMILE AFTER HE JUST GAVE A TINY NOD /fans self

So Idk about your husbando guys but this swoon-worthy fella made me melt and I bet yours doesn’t have what it takes to rule  over the King of BUUUNS.

I swear … I could stare at this gorgeous thing all day.

 

David Tennant, Patrick’s Husbando

There’s not a lot of celebrities I have an intense crush on; the most intense I got was a mighty fascination for Emma Watson during her Harry Potter days. I still am enamored by her, I’ll admit. However, for today, I will share my supreme adoration for another British hottie, David Tennant.

David Tennant, the Supremely Ascended Fanboy.

This Scottish bloke has been obsessed with Doctor Who since his schoolboy days in Edinburgh, and it has only fueled his intense passion for theater, and by extension, the cinema. And in 2007, he finally got his dream role: As the 10th regeneration of the feisty time lord. And not only that, he met his future wife on the set of Doctor Who, Georgia Moffett, who happens to be the real-life daughter of Peter Davison, the actor who played the 5th regeneration of Doctor Who! And who was Tennant’s favorite Doctor Who incarnation? THE FIFTH DOCTOR! Talk about ultimate fanboy dream!

Outside of Doctor Who, Tennant has amazing range with his acting chops, and his enthusiasm for performing is palpable, and this is what I love the most about him. I first encountered Tennant in the fourth Harry Potter film, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, where he played the deliciously deranged Barty Crouch, Jr. His turn as a vampire hunter in the Fright Night remake is also commendable, as is his role as the perpetually cross Det. Inspector Alec Hardy in ITV’s Broadchurch. Probably his most high-profile role to date is that of the despicable, mind-controlling mutant supervillain Killgrave, in the Netflix series Marvel’s Jessica Jones. His role there is such a menacing performance that it has left me virtually unable to view his Doctor Who run the same way ever again. Beyond TV and cinema, his theater roles are just as commendable, and his passion for Shakespeare always leaves me in awe. Dem acting chops indeed!

Look, David Tennant may not leave you swooning with his looks (I mean seriously, even as a fan, I know he’s a pasty, lanky Scot and his nose is slightly off to the left), but his sheer enthusiasm for performing, whether on stage or in front of the camera, is just BEAUTIFUL.

 

David Tennant, RJ’s Husbando

Yes, it’s David Tennant again. This is allowed. BECAUSE TIME TRAVEL. SHUT UP!

 

 

I don’t need to state why David Tennant is the best husbando. He just is. And there’s no need to list down the infinite reasons why your husbando (YES YOURS) is shit. I’m just here to mark my territory. LOOKING AT YOU YOU, PATRICK!

Tennant is my husbando. MINE.

 

To anyone else who claims Tennant (LOOKING AT YOU, TUMBLR), fuck you too! Demand that a previous Doctor and companion return, not as guests, but main cast? Because that is totally what the show is about, right? Afraid to criticize Broadchurch‘s lackluster second season? My husbando can take it. He did Gracepoint and survived, he can survive anything. Frustrated that his portrayal of Purple Man on Jessica Jones strayed away from your expectations of a charming hero that will take your hand and push you into his box? Clearly, you don’t love your so-called husbando enough. I’d totally let him whisper “Jessica” into my ear over and over. Oh, you want him to step out of his box and have crazy adventures and bromance with Beneshizzle Cumberdizzle? What part of MY HUSBANDO do you not understand!?

 

And lastly, to Georgia Moffett, Tennant’s actual waifu. Daughter of Peter Davison (Firth Doctor). Portrayed The Doctor’s Daughter. Someone who has an AMAZING chemistry with Tennant on and off camera. The woman who he started a family with. The love of his life.

Fuck you, too.

MINE MINE MINE!

 

Sam I Can’t With U Claflin, Noey’s Husbando

You don’t want to talk to me about Sam Claflin. You really don’t want to hear about why his otherwise understated range of roles makes him amazing, or why it’s possible to lose so many hours down the rabbit hole of the Internet for a segment on just how precious he is. You really don’t. So shut up and let me tell you why.

While he might be known best as either: Finnick Odair from the recently concluded Hunger Games trilogy, Philip Swift from the 4th installment of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, or as Will Traynor in the upcoming predicted cryfest of 2016, Me Before You — it might interest you to know that Sam Claflin has actually been around the block for a while with some pretty interesting roles to pad his acting resume. Tell me he’s typecast and I will FITE U 2 DEATH on that:

1. He’s appeared in the six-part BBC miniseries White Heat, playing the charismatic and complicated anti-establishment Jack Walsh in the midst of 1960’s Britain. It’s a show that keeps you hooked because You Need To Know What Happens Next, and tackles a number of issues surrounding race, women, and sexual politics.

2. He endeared himself as dorky Alex Stewart during Love, Rosie, the film adaptation of Cecilia Ahern’s “Where Rainbows End” where his chemistry with Lily Collins is the whole length and breadth of adorable. Oh yeah, I might get shot for this but execution-wise, the film got me so much more than the book did. You want a funny, cute, infuriating love story between childhood friends who just can’t seem to catch a break? THIS. GET TO IT.

3. When he plays a character you ought to hate for being a pompous and privileged douchebag of an ass, he delivers. “The Riot Club” is about a fictional, all-boys’ exclusive club of the same name that teaboo friends of mine have asked me how the hell I enjoyed watching him. It gets pretty dark, in a mob mentality scary kind of way, that it was so enjoyable to go through several stages of What The Ever-loving Fuck. No spoilers here, but right through the end Claf’s got you totally convinced that Alistair Ryle is a guy with some serious crazy.

4. He may not have gone on to a career of professional football in the UK due to a childhood injury, but he’s certainly played the part of a pro in the BBC drama “United”, a dramatization of the events surrounding the 1958 Munich air disaster. Did I mention that he’s in it with Dougray Scott (Hemlock Grove) and David Tennant (Doctor Who, Jessica Jones). Oi! Pat, RJ, ur husbando has worked with my husbando. We should talk.

I think it’s every actor’s dream to play a character that’s really odd, and you know no one wants to play himself.

Honestly, he’s so keen to explore different characters in order to hone his craft, that you only need a peek at his filmography to see that. Paranormal horror? Check. 12th Century historical drama? Uh-huh. Supporting character who is at one point actually Charlize Theron’s Evil Queen? YEP.

It also doesn’t help that off-screen, Claflin’s incredibly down to earth in spite of his recent rise in fame, and a total dork if you go ahead and look up the interviews he’s been on. Could have been the sixth Backstreet Boy, totally was the original Directioner before the rest of you, my cute fluffy butt, the amount of unreal he is makes me want to shred pillows 🙁 He’s just so candidly earnest, whether it’s talking about how hats are definitely his favorite item of clothing or how his life is a legit romcom with gorgeous wife Laura Haddock (they are recent-ish parents btw, so belated congratulations to them both!!!). And his dog. Seriously. He adores Rosiebear so much it is criminal. Just see his Instagram account. Just. Samuel George Claflin. Please for the love of everything and bunnies, STOP. I cannot–

He’s a really talented, funny, precious specimen of a man, okay? And shut up. I’m totally not red in the face.

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So, who is YOUR husbando? Did he give you anything this White Day? Maybe you need to go yandere on them. They might just give you pie.