OPINION: I Don’t Watch ‘Game of Thrones’ Because My Sophisticated Palate Knows There’s Better Tits & Ass Elsewhere

I don’t know, man. I just can’t get into Game of Thrones.

Everyone’s been telling me that it’s an amazing show full of political intrigue, scheming, fantasy tropes turned upside down, epic medieval battles, deconstruction of society, and dragons.

Sure, I care about all those things. But my friends also tell me the show’s got loads of nudity. Don’t get me wrong – you don’t NEED tits and ass for me to get invested into a show – but if I’m going to like fantasy, I might as well get a little something out of it, y’know?

I’ve done the math. I know that season one has an overabundance of n00dz, and that even extends to the men – I’m sure somebody liked the quick glances that we’ve gotten out of Theon and Hodor’s penises – but we get a quick drop off in the boobs-to-plot ratio from Season 2 onwards.

The return of investment isn’t that good – I can get more bang for the buck if I just stream porn, for crying out loud. I don’t even have to pay for HBO.

“But why are you looking at boobs when there’s a motherfucking dragon?” you might ask. Have you ever tried to jack off to the dragons? It’s not as rewarding as you might think.

Sure, I was in a really bad place at the time, and Viserion moved in a way that stirred up something in me, but after the fifth or sixth time I nutted, I was guilty. I can never look at lizards the same way again.

So if you’ll excuse me, I need to go back to my first love: big anime tiddies. Who needs a naked Daenerys when there’s Reika Kitami? Do we have Ygritte waifu pillows? Do we have h-games featuring Brienne of Tarth? Do we have dildos based on Tormund’s majestic Giantsbane?

I didn’t think so.

And this is why I’m always on Twitter, with my anime profile pic, telling the whole world over and over that I don’t watch Game of Thrones. Because when it comes to tits and ass, this show is shit-tier. Go take your middling mediocre life choices with you, pleb.

I’ll keep on marathoning Goblin Slayer.

This is satire. Please don’t kill us. Apologies to The Hard Times.