WTF Wattpad: ‘Claimed by my Bully’ [2/4]

Here we go again for another installment of WTF Wattpad! We’re at the second part of our review of the ultra ~*~edgy~*~ gay werewolf romance novel, Claimed by my Bully. Are you ready for this dark and tortured novel involving lots and lots of cutting, drugs, and gay sex, where the author obviously had no idea how any of those things worked? What a surprise – neither are we!

Last week, we met RJ, werewolf who was not born to be the alpha of his pack. Everybody in his pack decided to make his life hell by bullying him to the point of torture. To cope, RJ resorted to cutting. And drugs. In a werehouse. Then his family finds out, stages an intervention, gets handcuffed to a bed, and ends up cuddling and doing nasty things with hunky Adam – they play with each others’ jr’s.

On to the rest of the story. Oh, joy!

Pam: After some disappointing tussling around that does NOT actually involve handcuffs (y u such a tease, author???), Adam and RJ have the dreaded Conversation After (Almost) Sex.

“What are we?” I blurted out before he went out the door.
“What do you want us to be?”
That question got me off guard.
“I want us to be official but I’m not forcing you or anything. Plus my mate, if he or she exists, will probably reject me anyways.” I said nervously.
“Roman Jonah will you be my boyfriend? And maybe have a date with me on Friday?” Adam said firmly. No hesitation or playfullness on his voice.
“I’d love that” I said blushing.
He smirked. “Get ready for the best date of your life” He said smugly.
“You are so full of yourself!” I exclaimed.
“You love me though!” He teased.
“That I do” I murmered.
He chuckled then walked over to me. He gave me a lingering kiss then walked out.
“Tease!” I shouted before the door closed.

Noey: MURMURED. Where is the spellcheck on this thing. I’m getting OC.

Rika: /gently pets

Khan: I’m mashing the F7 button it does nothing

Pam: In the interest of generating more ~*conflict*~, the two lovebirds eventually head down and find pretty much everyone in their packs waiting for them.

Finally the silence was broken by Dwayne, in the worse possible way!
“Did you guys bang?” He said looking at Adam and I

Pam: In b4 some of us fujoshi are groaning at this painfully familiar slang.

Rika: I feel like I’ve read something like this before.

Khan: Help I heard that in Kojima’s voice

Noey: Khan, pls ur killing me. /headdesk

“You know the cuffs exist for a different reason that you guys were using it as a while ago” Dwayne said smirking playfully at us.

RM: They didn’t use it at all! I am unsatisfied.

Noey: ^^^^^^^^

Rika: Me too 🙁

Pam: Blah blah more pack drama happens blah blah teenage angst, AND THEN CHAPTER FOUR IS DONE.

Rika: Like the plot of every BL fanfic first-timer.

RM: Wait, so the whole pack stayed in the other pack’s house? I wanna send the writer a whole book on Wolf biology. That doesn’t happen without someone dying!

Pam: Chapter 5 starts with a whole lot of boo-ing, and a surprise love triangle.

We decided that I will move back to the pack tomorrow. Boo!!
Adam and I won’t be official until I find my mate and we’ll see from there. Boo!
I can’t go anywhere alone. Boo!
So basically everything they concluded on our little meeting are all bad news for me.
I’ve been locked in the confinement room. They ordered that if I needed something, I’ll call Dwayne instead of Adam.
I mean I love Dwayne but come on!

Pam: SURPRISE.

Ade: Who the fuck is Dwayne?!

RJ: WHO THE FUCK IS JUSTIN? Wait, wrong story.

RM: Dwayne’s the guy who wanted to play vidya. He seems like a bro.

Pam: Dwayne showed up, like… a couple of times.I have a much more interesting ship, though: RJ x his motorcycle.

I wonder who’s taking my baby (motorcycle) home. That person better not do anything to my baby.
One scartch and I’ll kill him.

Rika: What’s a scartch?

Khan: DOUBLE SHIT

Rika: I need to meme that double shit now.

Ade: Does he wear sportsbands when he rides his motorcycle? Does the motorcycle do nasty things to RJ’s peehole as well? Why aren’t they calling it a werecycle? I need to know!

Pam: I ship them so much right now, because after RJ gets into a fight with his dad…

I got my bag and left. I found my baby parked. I inspected it for a moment, relieved that not one scratch got to my baby.

Rika: Oh– oh my eyes, is this a paragraph that isn’t five words or less, and more than one sentence?!

Pam: #TrueLove — at least until RJ is stupid enough to get himself smashed, drive drunk, and proceed to get into an accident. Yeah, that’s a thing that happens. Everyone freaks out.

Rika: Typical druggie alcoholic, right?

RJ: But what happened to the precious motorcycle? WE NEED TO KNOW!

Rika: Totaled it, probably.

Ade: NOOOOOOOOOOO

RM: THE DRAMA! Fight with family before your birthday and get in an accident! Lemme get my popcorn, this is getting good.

Mom sobbed and Marcus was shaking.
Adam, uncle Nate, uncle Warren and Dwayne arrived.
“I think we should cut it” The doctor continued.
“NO YOU WILL NOT” Dwayne shouted.
“He is in far too deep. He survives today, but he will and very well can kill himself. We noticed the wounds while we were in the operating table. This is serious” The doctor said.
“YOU.WILL.NOT.KILL.MY.BROTHER.” Dwayne growled holding the doctor by the collar of his lab gown.
Okay that stung a bit.
Please wake up RJ.

Rika: RJ, open your eyes. I know you’re chinky, but…

RJ: I stopped reading 2 chapters ago but reading your comments still make me cry ;_;

Rika: Tissue?

Ade: That’s for the tears, right?

RM: I liked this chapter out of everything I’ve read. Is this becoming good or are my standards really low now?

Noey: RM, I think it might be safe to say our standards have adjusted to the lowest setting.

Khan: Cut what? Why is the doctor wearing a lab gown? Or is that another term for lab coat? Why is Dwayne talking like Shatner?

Pam: Onward, to Chapter 6, where we finally get to the plot twist that we were all waiting for!

I woke up to an intoxicating scent.
‘Mate! Mate!’ My wolf said howling in my head.
Oh so now he shows up.
‘Thought you died’ I said to my wolf.
‘Weak but not dead. I’m okay now! Go to mate!’ He ordered.
I sighed and opened my eyes slowly.
Please be Adam. PLEASE MOON GODDESS MAKE IT ADAM.
The only person in the room is Marcus and he was sleeping.
My eyes widened. Really?! Really Moon Goddess?! Marcus?
I groaned. His eyes shot open and he ran to me.
“Let’s get this over with. I, Roman Jonathan Weis, reje-”
He cut me off with a kiss.
Instincts, I repeat instincts, told me to kiss back. Damn mate bond.
He pulled away, breathing heavily, with a smirk.
I did NOT kiss him. It was my wolf! I swear it was my wolf.

Pam: SURPRISE!!!

Rika: I really hoped it would be Tyler. I wanted incest. Gay incest.

Ade: Wait, so they can’t choose their mates? They’re free to be gay, NBD, but their mates have to be predestined? What?

RM: Bully predestined to be your mate. OK, uh, no please. Can I stop reading now?

Pam: Super edgy, amirite.

Khan: From now on, I’m using ‘it was my wolf’ to justify my dumb shit.

Ade: Like reading this story. Damn, you, my Wolf and Moon Goddess!

“Mine” he growled.
His eyes turning black.
Really? He bullies me and now he expect me to just accept him as my mate. No way.
I opened my mouth to say the rejection BUT he was already kissing my neck.
I moaned when he hit my sweet spot. I felt his bulge against mine. Then his teeth sank down on my neck.
Holy shit! He just marked me!
He got on top if me and started making out. I swear it was my wolf controlling my body.
“I would appreciate it if you don’t suck my brother’s face and take his v card in a hospital bed.” Dwayne’s voice boomed.

Pam: I think it’s safe to assume that every gay werewolf in this story has a special jr. hardon for cutting, druggie, alcoholic high schoolers now.

Ade: Careful Pam, you might cut yourself… on that edge.

“How have you been little J?”
Little J was his nickname for me when we were kids.
“Stop it D!” I scolded playfully.
He just laughed and Marcus growled again.
“Marked already I see. I wonder how Adam will take that.” He said teasingly.
Marcus growled at the mention of Adam’s name.
“How long was I out?” I asked changing the subject.
“About three days” Dwayne said.
“Where’s Adam?” I blurted out.
Biggest mistake of my life.

Ade: Funny, reading this story is one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

Khan: You said that during the Vampire Prince. Also, is this building towards a ‘I want the D’ joke? Because I feel like it has to be done now.

Pam: Guys, we should start calling each other names like that. Little P, Little R, Little A. C’mon, it’ll be fun!

Rika: I dunno what’s worse. Little J, or Hard Jr.

Ade: Hard Peepee!

RM: I wanna be Little Hard.

Rika: … oh yeah, some drama happened. Yeah.

First he wanted to reject me, now he’s looking for this Adam dude?! Really?
I growled in annoyance. My wolf and I are far far far from happy.
“WHY?” I shouted.
RJ flinched lightly and I softened.
You see everybody’s weekness is their mate.
Its basically killing me every time he flinches or he’s afraid.
“Why?” I say a little softer now.
“Cause…I don’t want to be your mate!” He said.
My world started crumbling down.
“I’ll do us both a favor. You know, I’ll commit the unfaithful act then join uncle Nate’s pack” He continued.
“And how will that help me?” I.defended.
“Your friends won’t find out and turn on you” He said smartly.
“You think we tease you because your gay?” I said dumbfounded.
“Duh”
“Dude! We tease you because its fun. You were always the gullible one when we were growing up.” I said.
“Well is it still fun now?” He said referring to the cuts, drinking and drugs.

Pam: … #okay

Rika: I feel like… I feel like I need to reevaluate my life choices. Or at least picked out a piece that actually knew how drugs and gay sex worked.

Ade: I… I don’t know what’s happening. What is a weekness?

RM: BUT IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY! The dynamics of this wolf pack confuses me. Can someone please explain? I’m getting week.

Khan: Ask your gay.

Noey: /pets RM gently

RJ: I stopped reading after chapter 4. How is this any different from the Rapey Vampire Prince story? Did actual Werewolf-ey stuff happen yet?

Ade: For one, there are less typos…

Pam: There’s no rape yet. There’s some plausible deniability because of wolves and stuff.

RJ: …yet.

Pam: Oh, belatedly, I realize that Dwayne is RJ’s brother. The writer’s writing is so confusing that I mistook him for a potential love interest. …A part of me is disappointed by this.

Ade: Wait. So RJ is in love with his brother Dwayne? But had sex with Adam, and is now the mate of Marcus? What the shi- I mean – what the double shit?

RJ: Maybe he can still be a potential love interest. Plausible deniability because bestiali- werewolves!

Pam: I WILL HOLD ON TO HOPE.

Rika: No, he’s not really RJ’s brother. They just treat each other like siblings because RJ doesn’t feel like his actual brothers respect him, so he goes to Uncle Nate’s pack and Dwayne is his older brother figure there and that kind of stuck. I’m not personally invested in the story, I swear.

RM: Ok, so RJ and Adam are a thing. RJ and Dwayne could be a thing? RJ and Marcus are predestined. RJ and his baby (motorcycle) were real and now are gone. Am I missing other ships?

Khan: When does werewolf things happen

Noey: Outside of the whole dramu about Who Gets To Be RJ’s Mate, there doesn’t seem to be much by way of werewolf-y things :c

“Show him you won’t take everything you love away. That his opinions matter.” He continued.
“It has always mattered!” I defended.
“Not the way I see it.” He said smugly.
“Fine then! If I need to court him, then I will”
Okay my amazing mate, be ready for the best few weeks, or months, of your life.
I will be courting you. You’re love will only be for me. That, I swear.

Pam: Now I’m LSSing on this song:

Rika: Perhaps that was the point. To get that song stuck in our heads.

Marcus came back with a giant teddy bear. Its blue, which is my favorite color. Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I have to like pink.

Pam: ….

Rika: …………Just because I’m reading this doesn’t mean I have to like it, either.

Rika: WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT STEREOTYPE OH MY GOD

Ade: I’M NOT GAY AND I HAVE A PINK SHIRT AND I WEAR IT ALL THE TIME RJ WHAT THE FUCK BRO GET IT TOGETHER THIS IS WHY YOU GET STUFF PUSHED IN YOUR PEEHOLE

Rika:  /appropriate bear gif

Pam: Makes me wonder what the author thinks lesbians should have as their favorite color.

Rika: Red. Like the color of blood that women bleed out once a month.

Noey: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH GUYS LIKING PINK. PINK IS A PERFECTLY GOOD COLOR TO LIKE.

RJ: I bet the author thinks she’s being progressive with this line of thought.

Noey: Or the author needs to justify so that people don’t think that she’s stereotyping.

RJ: I’ve heard actual adult gay men proudly say that line. Word for word.

Ade: Yeah, but these are two gay lovers talking to each other, so why the need to even bring up stereotypes?

RJ: BECAUSE PROGRESSIVENESS. SHUT UP, ADE.

RM: Also, RJ doesn’t love Marcus yet. They were predestined by the Moon Goddess. (Why am I still reading? Please let me stop.)

“What is that?!” I exclaimed.
“Um a teddy bear?” He said in a duh tone.
“I know that. But why is it so huge?” I asked.
“It symbolizes 0.1 percent of how big my love for you is.” He said.

Pam: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Ade: BRB punching a wall or an activity less painful than reading this.

Rika: “It’s as big as my boner for you,” would have also been an acceptable answer.

Ade: “It’s as big as my hard jr.”

Noey: Hi I gave up on reading it, was Marcus one of the siblings or did I get them all mixed up again because they all sound the same to me.

Rika: Older brother’s BFF.

RM: Also the one who caught him drinking a whole (!) bottle of vodka in one gulp.

Khan: Now I need vodka, too.

His eyes are black, his wolf has taken over.
He kisses me with passion. Then he pulls away.
“I love you” he said. Before I can even reply, his lips are on mine again.
“I love you” kiss. “I love you” kiss. “I love you” kiss. “I love you” kiss.
The last kiss was more passionate than the rest.
“I love you too” I murmered.
His eyes widened then a wide smile appeared on his lips.
“Really?”
I nod, not trusting my voice to not say more than I already have.
“Say it” he demanded. “Say it with my name”
“I love you, Marcus” I said breathlessly.
He smirked and kissed me again.
I couldn’t help but moan when I felt his hands travel from my chest, to my abdomen, and to the you know what.

Pam: No, author. No, I don’t know what. You’ve got a thing for tongues in peeholes, so —

Rika: NO I DO NOT KNOW WHAT. IT COULD BE ANYTHING. THE BUTT, THE HIPS, THE WAIST, THE DICK, THE BALLS, THE KNEES, WHAT IS IT. I NEED TO KNOW.

Pam: Yeah. What Rika said.

RM: Penis.

Khan: Little junior!

Ade: Aaaaaand I thought the author could not come up with something that kills the mood more than “jr,” but “you-know-what” tops that.

Rika: Can– can I attempt to rewrite this part? I feel I could do so much better with a make-out scene and touchy-touchy stuff. I haven’t written gay sex in ages though. (Hi, mom!)

Pam: Come, let us both write something. It will be glorious.

Rika: Okay :3

RJ: Make sure you write the peehole-licking part in detail!

RM: Also, don’t forget the chains.

Khan: I trust you two to spell ‘murmur’ correctly.

Ade: Make sure you also point out that RJ was forced to say “I love you” back to Marcus out of fear! What a healthy start to this relationship!

Rika: Blah blah Dwayne and Tyler walk in and talk about eating faces — no, not literally eating faces. Just… putting that out there.

RM: Dwayne is such a cock-block. I mean hard jr-block

RM: A comment I agree with! I think the writer rushed too fast into the sex part, but who am I to judge what the Moon Goddess willed.

Ade: Thank you for the insightful comment, CreamyPie888.

Khan: There’s a joke in here somewhere but I’m reading this at four in the morning and I don’t have enough coffee.

Next week: Autotune! Another rapey vampire! RJ does another stupid thing on top of all the stupid things he’s done! RM helpfully explains wolf pack politics! We attempt to make a diagram of character relationships! We question all of the decisions that led to this moment! WTF Wattpad: Claimed by my Bully part 3 is coming, and nobody is looking forward to it.